To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not, rich; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, await occasions, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common--this is my symphony.
~William Henry Channing

Monday, February 14, 2011

A Confession

Disappointment.

Mainly with myself. Actually, only with myself.
The first week I was so on top of it...measuring every thing, writing down every thing. And it paid off. There was success. 
So I'm thinking, Okay, I've got this. I know what to do. And I got a little lax. I wasn't as diligent. And the results weren't the same.
I still lost both inches and pounds but not what I was hoping for.
And it's my own fault.
Because my struggle, my real issue? Is to not look for how easy I can make this. Or how easy I can make anything. It's funny how that theme is a thread running through my life right now. 
It's easy to say I've forgiven someone for a past hurt...to just put it aside and everything is fine. But let something be said that challenges that easy forgiveness...let something happen that stirs up the emotion from that situation. Then, then it's not as easy. 
It becomes hard and I can choose to look for the easy way of dealing with it. I could rant or be snarky. Be unforgiving. To blow off as unimportant, the truth that they finally see.
But the hard thing is to realize that the truth that is suddenly so beautiful to them now, that wasn't before when I saw it, is Truth and it is beautiful.
The hard thing is to rejoice that God has opened eyes and heart in His time. To be humbled by the knowledge that it has taken me longer than it has others to see some things but thank God, eventually I do see. 
The hard thing is for me to accept that I need the structure of writing down what I eat. To add calories...to tally up ounces and measure the tablespoon of milk.
The hard thing is to realize that while all of this, the dieting part and the what-it-really-means-to-forgive part, shows my dependence right now, it also is the very thing that will make me stronger. They are the instruments of growth.
For now it's good. 

5 comments:

iarepilotswife said...

I love your ramblings in this area. We all have these things... These struggles... They're all different, of course, but we all are wrestling with something, or in many cases, a lot of somethings in the same fashion.

I want to encourage you but I don't know exactly what you need to hear, or even worse, what you don't need to hear. So I'll just tell you that you have been an irreplaceable presence in my life. You are such a support and much wanted and needed friend. And not just to me, but to so many of us who call you sister.
Thank you for you.

I love you.

Lauren said...

And maybe, just maybe it will make you smile that I fully agree with Mel. Do you hear that, Mel???? No arguing here. No trouble causing on this post.

You are a blessing, Marty. Love you.

Christine said...

It seems like you are really thinking through some things... and I agree that it's easy to do it the first time, but it's in the recurring forgiveness or calorie counting that the true battle is won. I wish you grace as you plod along!

Rob H said...

Just so you two know...while you were not bickering, I ate a plate of cookies and a pan of brownies. Just because.

Donna Marchlewski said...

and to the poor soul that stumbles upon Robs comment and doesn't have a clue as to what he is referring to...I see growth there Lauren, good job. :)

Now, for the real comment- I really appreciate all that you do Marty, for your influence in my daughters lives, and for your genuine friendship in mine.