To live content with small means; to seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion; to be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not, rich; to listen to stars and birds, babes and sages, with open heart; to study hard; to think quietly, act frankly, talk gently, await occasions, hurry never; in a word, to let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common--this is my symphony.
~William Henry Channing

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Sometimes, things just don't make sense. And the questions begin.

"But, they said..."
"I thought..."
"Are we..."
Other times, things are so crystal clear that I cringe because sin is so stark, so evident.
Would you believe that at this moment I long for the latter?
Because I know there is forgiveness.
Because I know that He is merciful.
Because I know that it produces the fruit of righteousness in my life.
The 'because I know' list can just go on forever. Because He is patient. Because He is faithful. Because He is who He is.
But what happens when it's the former, rather than the latter?
What do you do when as best as you are able you have sought God...begged God to shine the light of His holiness into the darkness of your root out sin?
What do you do when He has granted repentance?
What do you do when all you are left with is, it doesn't make sense?

I'm reading the book of Matthew right now, along with a chapter in Proverbs each day. And after being convicted that I'm not the woman of the His word that I should be I'm reading parts Psalm 119 everyday. Not big portions...the fact that it's an acrostic poem means that it is easily broken into sections and I read one or two a day. For the rest of the day it becomes my prayer and I meditate on it all day long. And when I finish it, I go back and start over.
I wish I could sum up to you in neat little words and sentences how God is weaving those things into my heart and mind. I wish I could explain how reading CJ Mahaney's book Humility is tied in and what He is doing in me through these words. The way He is showing how He has showered me with grace and gently leads me back when I want to go off on a tangent.
And this...these things...that is what He is answering me with when it just doesn't make sense. He's telling me that there is evidence of His grace all around.
He's reminding me that He will sustain even when nothing makes sense.